So, I did not keep up with writing on the blog the last few days as I’d hoped. I was dealing with a few losses: first and foremost, this weekend was the first anniversary of my late wife, Katharine Leigh, passing suddenly and in her sleep. Also right on the heels of this, my long time dog Isaiah who had been Katharine’s service dog passed and the first real romantic relationship I had since Katharine’s passing ended abruptly.
So, dear readers, bear with me if I take a while to get back to regular writing.
Thinking about the anniversary of Kat’s passing and how I deal with these other smaller, yet significant, griefs I was reminded of a recent poem I wrote that reflects my perspective on grief. Hope it blesses you all!
Behind eyes a fire sparks,
Its light shining out to all who will look
Like a candle glowing behind glass
At times brilliant
Flickering lively with unrestrained joy
Other times as dim
As the sun through the clouds
That reflected on Uncle Earl’s
Tiny irrigation ditch
When Paul and I sat fishing
Until the light faded
across a horizon surrounded by long-leaf pine.
Yet even in this dim glimmer
the shining brightness
Genesis calls forth on our first day,
The fire and cloud which lie before our every moment
Guiding us when we wake to ground covered in manna thick as snow
And when we spin circles, lost in winding wilderness way
That moment I often witness,
while speaking the words
“Into your hands, Oh Lord,
We commit their spirit”
When, so often, I see it fade from their eyes
Their body slacking and going still.
Always that moment makes me feel a gentle shudder
Something like a breeze blowing through my soul.
At times I believe the light of such bright souls
Are ever gone in that moment,
Leaving my heart torn asunder
Like those trees out back
Shredded by Hurricane Fran.
I am inconsolable, bereft.
In other moments
I feel the light does not dissipate
As the lamp’s light
Whose color one does not witness directly
But rather finds in the many hues it reveals
In all it illuminates.
My heart is not less torn asunder then
But in the cracks left behind
I glimpse doorways beyond the veil.
I see more clearly all around me
Knowing the light of that seeing
Is the same brightness I saw before
Shining in their now dim eyes.