Daily Reflection/Song of the South: Drowning

Josephine-Wolfe-Jesus-Walking-on-Water“Drowning”

People tell me I am doing fine
“What a positive outlook.
You’re back at work. Good for you”.
But they don’t see
They don’t hear
They don’t feel the world I live in.
You are always there,
My Ghost of Grief

You haunt my days
You are always behind me
Surrounding me on all sides
You unseen barrier, holding back
Your Roaring waves
Chaos unspeakable
Like some reverse fish bowl
Where the ocean is outside, air within

jesus on waterI am laughing, smiling with friends
Yet I hear you, inaudible to them,
Gurgling in my ears
Louder and louder each moment
Pressure building
All around me
Ready to blow at any moment

Oh dirty thief, you steal the spark of my pleasure
The peace of my laughter
The joy of all my days
as you have stolen her away from me

I look to the sun
Yet its light is distorted
Shining through the thick murk of you
That surrounds me

Though others see its daylight glistening
So each morning is aglow with promise
Each nightfall rosy with remembrance and
dreams pregnant with promise
You shroud my daystar of hope
Til it is but a shimmer on an oil slick
wave 4Pooling thick about me
Surrounding the eye of my soul
Leaving my whole life
A twisted image from some funhouse
Like a Picasso
Shot through with holes

And then, when I finally let go
My vision becoming unclouded
Feeling the pressure lift
Breathing again
When I finally see the sun for but a moment
Laugh without restraint
Believe my joy has come
Live
Then, Grief, you do it again

It only takes a moment
A gentle wind
A familiar image in the corner of my eye
A cough
The smell of familiar perfume
sounds like her laughter in my ear
And the surrounding walls collapse
wave 3The Ocean that engulfed me
Filthy and dark
Comes pouring
Grief like waves
Showering like summer storm
Thick as hurricanes on the beach
Thundering like Fort Bragg bombs at drill time
Falling salty and brimy
Cllinging to my clothes
Greyish drops of despair hanging from my beard

I am soaked, through and through,
Beyond all drying
With loss of her unforgettable
My shoes squish with the septic smell
Of decay
I shiver
I shake
Yet I look around trembling, wet, and cold
To see them as they are smiling
At the sight a sun that is not there for me
Warmed by the daylight of other’s embrace
That does not touch me
While I sit trembling with winter chill
That cuts me to the bone

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One thought on “Daily Reflection/Song of the South: Drowning

  1. Glenys says:

    Oh, Micah, I weep for you…

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